You Can Want Two Things at Once

Why wanting better health doesn't mean you'll always want to do the things that support it

I've been working on the Mindset & Identity part of my Food CALM program recently, and there's one idea I keep coming back to - You can want two things at once.

It sounds incredibly simple, but I think it's something we rarely acknowledge when we talk about health and behaviour change.

We tend to tell ourselves that if we really wanted something badly enough, we'd do what it takes.

• If I really wanted to get fitter, I'd exercise.
• If I really wanted to eat well, I'd meal prep.
• If I really cared about my sleep, I'd turn off Netflix and go to bed.

And when we don't? We start questioning ourselves.

• Why can't I just do it?
• Maybe I don't want it enough.
• I know what I should be doing, so why aren't I doing it?

But perhaps the problem isn't that we don't want the outcome. Perhaps we're simply experiencing something completely normal. We want two things at once!

Both things can be true

• You can want to feel strong and not want to do today's workout.
• You can want to nourish yourself well and really want the chocolate.
• You can want more energy tomorrow and want to stay up watching another episode tonight.
• You can want to save money and want the takeaway because you're exhausted and don't feel like cooking.
• You can want to feel better in your body and not want to spend Sunday afternoon prepping meals for the week.

One doesn't cancel out the other, and I think recognising that matters. Because we often turn that perfectly normal tension into evidence that there's something wrong with us.

We say: "I obviously don't want it badly enough." Or, "I just need more motivation." Or the old favourite, "I have no willpower." But what if none of those things are actually true?

Of course you want the thing that feels good now!

There's another reality we don't talk about enough. The immediate option often has a pretty significant advantage. Its reward is available right now.

• The warm bed feels good now.
• The chocolate tastes good now.
• Netflix is enjoyable now.
• The takeaway means you don't have to cook now.

The benefits of the alternative can feel much further away.

• One strength session isn't going to suddenly make you stronger.
• One nourishing dinner isn't going to transform your health.
• Going to bed early tonight won't undo months of poor sleep.

The things we say we want for our health are often built through dozens, hundreds, sometimes thousands of small choices whose individual rewards aren't particularly exciting. That's a very different proposition from something that feels good immediately.

So perhaps asking, "What do I want more right now?" isn't always particularly helpful, because e may already know the answer!

Try changing BUT to AND

Here's something I've been playing with. Notice what happens when you change one little word. Instead of:

"I want to exercise, but I really can't be bothered." Try, "I want to feel strong and I really can't be bothered exercising today."

Instead of, "I want to eat well, but I want dessert." Try, "I want to nourish my body well and I'd really like dessert tonight."

Instead of ,"I want to get more sleep, but I want to keep watching this." Try: "I want to feel rested tomorrow and I want to watch another episode." 

That little AND makes room for both things to be true. There's no argument to win. No need to convince yourself that you don't want the chocolate, the sleep-in or the night on the couch. You simply get to acknowledge what's actually happening.

And then decide what you want to do.

You don't have to want the work

This might be the part I wish we talked about more.

You can want the outcome more than you want the work.

• You can want to be strong without enjoying every strength session.
• You can want better health without loving meal planning.
• You can want better sleep without wanting to turn off the television.

You don't have to love every behaviour that supports something you value. And you don't necessarily need to feel motivated before you do it.

Sometimes: "I don't feel like it" and "I'm still choosing it" can both be true.

That's not about forcing yourself through everything or ignoring what your body needs. It's about recognising that wanting to do something isn't always a prerequisite for choosing to do it.

That was me today! It was cold, raining and miserable and I had scheduled my swim and I really didn't feel like it and I had no wiggle room in my calendar. It wasn't fun walking to the pool in the rain, taking off my warm swim coat and running into the pool in my bathers in the rain! But as always, once I got going, I slipped into my rhythm and as I've proven over and over, it was worth it! 

And sometimes you'll choose the other thing

This part matters too, because otherwise we've simply found a more sophisticated way to tell ourselves what we should do.

Sometimes you'll acknowledge both wants, and choose the chocolate. Sometimes you'll skip the workout. Sometimes you'll order the takeaway. Sometimes you'll stay in bed.

That's life.

The purpose of becoming more aware isn't to make the "healthy" choice win every time. It's to move away from the automatic reaction and towards a more conscious choice.

You might decide, "I know I wanted to exercise today, but I'm exhausted and I'm choosing to rest."

That's very different from missing the workout, feeling guilty about it and deciding the whole week is ruined.

Or, "I know I'd planned something else for dinner, but I really want pizza tonight, so that's what I'm having." Have the pizza. Enjoy it. And tomorrow is simply tomorrow.

No compensation required.

No starting again Monday.

No dramatic declarations about getting "back on track".

Maybe we need fewer rules, not more

We're heading into spring here in Australia, which means we're also heading into that time of year when health advice tends to get considerably louder.

• Eat this
• Don't eat that
• Try this diet
• Cut out this food
• Take this supplement
• Do this workout
• Follow this morning routine

And if we're not careful, we can end up so busy listening to everyone else's adivce and rules, that we stop paying attention to ourselves.

Perhaps what we need isn't another person telling us what we should be doing. Perhaps we need to become better at noticing what's happening inside our own decision-making.

To recognise, I want this AND I also want that.

Then give ourselves permission to choose. Not perfectly, not always in favour of our long-term health, but consciously, and with an understanding of what matters to us.

Because building a healthier life doesn't mean reaching a point where you always want the workout, always choose the nourishing meal and happily skip off to bed at 9.30pm.

It means learning how to navigate the days when you don't, and perhaps that's a far more realistic definition of healthy living.